Saudi runaways?

Eman over at Relativity Online provides an interesting peek into a situation which, I’m ashamed to say, hasn’t ever cross my mind – Saudi girls and women, mothers and sisters and daughters – running away from home.

We hear about maids and drivers running away from their sponsors all the time, whether for lack of payment, physical, emotional and sexual abuse, poor working conditions, or better opportunities.

But I don’t recall one time in all these years ever hearing the word ‘runaway’ used to describe a Saudi woman.

Mmm.

According to Eman, Saudi women who run away fall into a couple different patterns – the ones who run to a relative’s house and seek refuge; the ones who run away with someone (usually a guy); and the ones who throw themselves at the mercy of the government in the form of social services and health care providers.

“But it does not take a social worker to see what usually happens when a girls decides to take matters into her own hands. Most Saudi girls do not just open the front door and leave. In the cases I know of, the majority would go to a relative’s house and seek refuge there and the issue is resolved or hushed up within the family. The more adventurous have prior arrangements with men that they meet online or have a phone relationship with.”

Sadly, things rarely go well for any of them, and nearly all of them end up right back where they started – at home and under the thumbs of their male guardians.

Interestingly, Eman points out a few cases where the runaways miraculously ended up outside of Saudi Arabia, despite not having permission from their guardians. Of course, they, too, were brought back to their homes and guardians.

Now, this is probably going to rankle some folks, and I should probably be sorry about that – but I’m not. As I was thinking about the whole runaway issue here in Saudi, I couldn’t keep my mind off the Underground Railroad.

It was, if you call, a response to a deep desire for freedom. And it was set up to get people our from under the heavy thumb of their "masters".

The Underground Railroad was really a social network, a series of personal connections which, when followed, sometimes resulted in freedom.

And sometimes it didn’t. Sometimes the people seeking freedom were caught, brought back to their "masters" and punished.

Which gets me back to a story Eman shared about two Saudi girls who “mysteriously turned up” in Egypt.

“What they don’t tell you in all of these cases is what happens after they are caught and brought back to their families. The government only provides extremely basic and temporary protection for these girls. There are safe-houses in most major cities but women are only allowed to stay temporarily and their guardians/abusers are notified. Granted that the guardian is made to a sign a pledge that they will not harm her, however it is in the end just a piece of paper. What help is it to the girl once she’s back in the midst of her brothers and uncles anxious to salvage the family name?”

Indeed.

(BTW, just so I’m clear, running away is a bad choice and I am in NO WAY suggesting it is anything but a bad choice. OK?)

When words fail...ask how they are!

Learning a second language is not for the faint of heart

The other day I was sitting in a waiting room with a Saudi man, his son and infant daughter. For the longest time the little boy would look at me then turn to his father, whisper something in his ear, smile, then turn back to me.

Finally, the little guy stood up, walked over to where I was seated and, in his biggest voice said, “How you are.”

The smile of pride on his face was big and toothy and filled with pure pleasure that only comes with accomplishment.

Of course, I smiled back, responded and politely turned the question on him, “How are you?”

The boy scurried back to his dad, hiding in the folds of his white thobe.

Over the next 30 minutes, I was asked “How you are” maybe a dozen times.

I might have gotten annoyed, but in the back of my mind I could relate to the little boy. After all, when I first started learning Arabic – and about the only thing I knew how to say was “kayf halak” – I opened nearly every conversation with it.

Regardless of if it was appropriate or not!

“How are you?” I’d ask as I passed through the security gate. “Kayf Halak?”

“Kayf Halak?” I’d respond to whether I wanted fries or mashed potatoes. “How are you?”

“How are you?” I’d gush whenever any Arab-speaking person passed by on the street. “Kayf Halak?”

I remember one day walking into a local store and greeting the shop owner with an enthusiastic, “Ahlan Wa’sahlan!”

The guy looked at me scowling not just a little.

Thinking he hadn’t understood me, I said it again, this time a little louder.

“Ahlan wa’sahlan!”

It wasn’t –I learned a little later – the right thing to say. Where as I thought I was saying some version of hello, I was actually welcoming him to his own store!

No wonder the guy was a little confused!

These days, I try to speak Arabic as often as possible, and I’m pretty cognizant about any differences between what needs to be said – and what I know how to say!

Still, when it comes down to making a fool of myself or staying quiet, nine times out of 10 I walk over to the lady in the waiting room and sweetly ask, “How you are?”

Two nations, two responses to a horrible crime

A young girl was gang raped the other night outside her school in Richmond, California. It is a horrific story, and one that makes me as a woman and a mother and a human want to vomit.

But it also sheds light on the starkly different ways Saudi Arabia and the United States – and the people of both countries – respond to the crime of rape.

Within hours after the victim was found bleeding and unconscious, medical teams were scouring the crime scene for evidence, finding witnesses and linking DNA samples to suspects, four of whom were tracked down and arrested by Tuesday, just four days after the assault. Two more were arrested by Thursday. The DA has promised to seek the maximum penalty allowable under the law.

As they were arrested, the names and photos of the suspected adult rapists were distributed to the media and quickly splashed across television and computer screens and newspaper pages across the country.

The victim’s friends rallied around her, speaking up about the lack of security in and around the school where the assault took place, pointing angry fingers at school officials and security personnel who failed to keep the students safe.

The school, law enforcement and community responded to the assault with compassion for the victim and vengeance for the rapists, vowing that the tragedy will never be repeated.

A fund was established for the victim, and people from around the country began sending cards and letters of support, along with money.

Contrast that to what happens when a young woman is gang raped here in Saudi.

The rape victim is arrested, forced to confess to her crime, and charged with adultery.

If she is lucky, she is only sentenced to lashings and jail time. If she is unlucky, she will be stoned.

Oh, but if by chance her case causes enough international outrage and pressure, she might just get off. But she can't count on leniency.

The community she lives in will assume she is guilty. They will shame her. They will shame her family.

And her rapists?

No one will ever know their names.

Their photos will never be released.

They will likely not be sought nor found nor punished nor made to pay for their crimes. Law enforcement will be too busy prosecuting the person they see as the real criminal in the rape - the victim.

And the rapists will be free to live their lives unashamed. Free to rape again if they choose, secure in the knowledge that their crime - the crime of raping - is much less offensive than the crime of being raped.

And according to some, that is exactly the way it should be here in the cradle of Islam. Exactly the way it must be.

How should society deal with the crime of rape? What responsibility does law enforcement and government have in responding to crimes, and what responsibility should they have? And ultimately, how should we as human beings respond?

The Wizard of Saudi doesn't like the exposure

Awhile back a friend noted that no matter what Saudis do, they will be criticized.

If they are too morally strict, they will be seen as archaic fanatics bent on returning civilization to the 600s.

If they are too lenient, they will be seen as disrespecting their position as the cradle if Islam and setting a poor example for other Muslims around the world.

In other word, according to him, they just can’t win.

It’s a thought that’s been tumbling around in my head ever since, so when I read Maha Akeel’s newest piece on the Saudi Casanova case, I was surprised to read basically the same idea.

In another in a long string of thoughtful pieces, Akeel points out that Saudis set themselves up for scrutiny by putting up a veil of piousness and purity, and then cry foul when that veil is pulled back and reality emerges.

According to Akeel, exposing the Real Saudi has become a game of sorts, a challenge which more and more folks are taking up.

“Our own insistence that we are a ‘unique’ society and have a ‘special’ standing and that we consider ourselves religiously and morally above other Muslim societies tweaks that curiosity even more to the extent of perhaps taking it as a challenge to expose the ‘other face’ of our society.”

Sending local kids off to college has led to more and more of them coming back with the scales off their eyes. They’re looking around and seeing Saudi as it is, not as it pretends to be, and they’re willing to talk about the differences.

Allowing outsiders like myself into the Kingdom helps, too. In my case, I arrived with a natural and insatiable curiosity, a frame of reference that automatically questions authority, and a background much, much different than a so-called ‘normal’ background here. When I see something that strikes me as odd, I dig deeper, always hoping to find some reason or meaning, or at least understanding.

And of course, the media, camera phones and the Internet have made it all the more easy for both insiders and outsiders to expose the ‘other face’ of Saudi to a wider and wider audience, and for members of those audiences to get curious and do some digging of their own, thus continuing the cycle of exposure.

This new awareness, this new and in some ways unprecedented scrutiny is making a lot of Saudis uncomfortable, and frankly that’s understandable.

They’re like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz who finally makes it to the Wizard only to find out he’s nothing more than a doddering old professor with some mechanical experience and a smoke machine.

Nothing too extraordinary or special in the end, and that does little to reassure little lost Dorothy who'd hoped the Mighty Wizard of Oz had all the answers.

As Akeel notes, “We are, in general, still not used to being under the spotlight and are intolerant of criticism. Whenever a program usually discusses an issue in Saudi Arabia such as women’s rights, the religious police or the legal system, many scream and howl that this is a conspiracy to undermine our social traditions and a deliberate attack on our values when in fact they can be seen as constructive criticism and balanced reporting.”

Oddly enough, also in the Arab News, is a piece about a local TV station being sued. Like other's before it, this lawsuit pulls out the 'we are special' argument to make it's case.

“This will not make God happy nor His Prophet as well as Muslims who are enthusiastic about their religion, especially as we are in the land of the Two Holy Mosques and the place of revelation where God has helped its leaders to implement Shariah, support His religion and call others to it,” the lawsuit said.

The lawsuit has been turned over to the Ministry of Culture and Information.

How do you feel when you find out something you believed was special turns out to be not all that special, after all? Did you believe in Santa Claus, for example, and still feel the bitter disappointment of reality? What's the best way to expose someone to the truth, or is it better to just let them believe? And how do you deal with scrutiny?

Pointing out the obvious

One of my favorite stories as a little girl was The Emperor’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Anderson.

My great aunt read it to me countless times out of the big green book of stories she used to have. I remember the illustrations were fabulous, intricate pen and inks totally unlike the cartoonish illustrations of the children’s books I could read.

The tale, as you’ll recall, is about a self-bloated slacker of an emperor who is too proud, too arrogant and just too stupid to admit that the custom-made clothes he paid a fortune for are – well – non-existent. Instead, the saggy old buffoon struts down the street buck-naked.

The locals pretend not to notice, of course. After all, noticing would make them stand out, would mark them as different, as rebels as non-conformists. It would surely be poor form! Much better to just deny what's in front of their own eyes.

And then a small voice whispers out, “the Emperor has no clothes!”.

Of course, the locals are shocked and angered that the little boy would say such a thing! Why, it’s nearly blasphemous! Of course, the emperor has clothes on - fine clothes, the finest clothes, thank you very much! And how dare the little ingrate suggest otherwise! What does he know? He should be home in bed where he belongs, not out here in the street!

But the kid gets them thinking, or at least a few of them, and before long, people start taking a closer look. And, sure enough, the old guy is prancing around in his birthday suit for all the world to see!

Now that's embarrassing!

Shortly after, the unclothed and no longer quite so pompous fool slinks away, the townsfolk stop vilifying the little boy, and they all live happily ever after, albeit in a world with little room for arrogance or pomposity or denial of the obvious.

There are, of course, a ton of different interpretations of the story – everything from the politics of the day to the power of a child’s honesty.

My favorite interpretation, however is summed up here.

The moral of this story, for me anyway, is that just because something is accepted as a universal reality, it could be just because powerful people have a vested interest in seeing it like that. Even if they wanted to, they couldn't see it any other way, because if they did express doubt it would not only undermine the so called "truth", but their own position as well. Maybe, it takes someone who has nothing to lose (like the child) to point out what is obvious."

Sometimes here at SGIME I feel like that little boy whispering, “the emperor has no clothes!” when it comes to the cultural issues I see around me - and write about - here in Saudi. Things like segregation and women's right, like child brides and forced divorce, like the PVPV and modesty, polygamy and what I see as the lack of internalized, authentic moral values.

People get irate sometimes, suggesting I am disrespectful or out of touch, cynical and jaded, even pushing agendas that are both unwelcome and unwanted, not to mention none of my business.

They may be right...but I doubt it.

I try hard to keep a clear head on topics, to present facts as well as opinions, and to encourage others - wherever they may be - to think about topics the might not want to think about.

My goal, for better or worse, is to encourage us all to take a closer look at the world around us, to determine for ourselves whether or not the old guy in front of us is really all that, or just the picture of our own denial.

And I think that's worth the effort - and the occasional hassle.

What are some things you think are obvious but others seem unable or unwilling to see clearly? What naked emperors are walking around your neighborhood? Your head?

Next stop...Saudi?

The San Francisco Chronicle is reporting on a new activity which, well, let’s just say probably has some potential here in Saudi.

Apparently there are clubs in Malaysia which specialize in hooking up guys looking for second, third or fourth wives. These “Polygamy Clubs” as they’re called, are gaining popularity among Muslims, and are now branching out – hoping to expand to Indonesia – the most populous country in the Muslim world.

(Could Saudi be far behind?)

The Clubs aren't just about hooking up tho. They're performing a public service. Really!

“ The club claims a noble aim of helping single mothers, reformed prostitutes and women who feel they are past marrying age meet spouses. It also offers counseling to people facing problems in polygamous households.”

Now let me get this right. These clubs are pimping old maids, divorcees and former hookers to married men, and then turning around and counseling those same women when - surprise surprise! - the bargain-basement marriages go pear shaped?

Yep, that has community service written all over it.

According to club owners, the goal of the clubs is to “change people's perception about polygamy, so that they will see it as a beautiful rather than abhorrent practice.”

Mmm.

All I can say is you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and you can't make polygamy look like anything other than what it is - a slick way for guys to have s*x with more than one woman.

For their part, the Indonesia Ullema Council has declared “Polygamy Clubs” a bad idea, saying they will “draw (negative) reactions rather than solve problems".

Ya think?

What are your reactions to the whole Polygamy Club scene?

Chuckling about personal freedoms in KSA

I am still chuckling after reading an article in the Saudi Gazette about the new ban on smoking before the Council of Ministers here.

Yes, smoking is bad. My dad was a smoker and it killed him. I was there, and it wasn’t a pretty or dignified or even humane way to go. Cancer sucks and smoking causes cancer. Enough said.

I’m always amazed and more than a little disgusted when I see Saudi guys smoking inside stores, banks, market places and mall corridors. It’s one of the reasons I don’t visit the local malls at night. Too many smokers. Ick.

So, I applaud the government for taking any step toward reducing the number of smokers in the Kingdom, and making sure their habits don’t become my health problem.

What got me chuckling, however was the implication that smokers have “personal freedoms” here in Saudi, and that those freedoms need to be protected.

Mmm. Let me get this straight, smokers have personal freedoms and rights, but women don’t? The right’s of a smoker – and nearly all smokers here are men, btw – need to be protected, but the rights of women don’t?

Serious?

Personal freedoms extend to killing yourself and others, but not deciding if you want to cross the causeway on your own, drive yourself around the block, get a job, seek medical treatment or marry the man of your dreams?

And here’s the part that really had me howling:

“A Saudi woman who preferred to remain anonymous said that banning smoking in public is an “undemocratic” decision. “

Ya think!

I’m sorry, but that made me laugh. And groan.

And then laugh again!

What person freedoms and rights are most important - maybe even critical - to you? How do you feel when those rights are taken away, or even threatened to be taken away? Once taken away, how can personal freedoms be regained...or can they?

Going viral with rumors

Several weeks ago I had the flu. Yep, that flu.

As flus go, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be, considering all the huffing and puffing going on around the world about it.

My head hurt, my throat hurt, I had a low fever and I was sleepy – and cranky – and the recipient of some of the weirdest and most vivid dreams I can remember!

But again, not too bad.

Despite out best efforts at containment, my husband came down with it the following week. His experience – like mine – was pretty uneventful.

I’ve since talked to several people who’ve had the flu, and all seem to agree it’s just another round of flu – albeit a little more contagious than others. I’m no expert, but it’s my understanding that unless you are in a specific risk group, it’s just that - another four-day flu.

Yet the hype continues.

Last April, the school my daughter was teaching in shut down when one student came down with the flu. Within a few days, the entire district had shut down. Talk about over reacting!

Here in the ME, most schools started late because of the flu, and many parents have kept their kids out for fear of them getting it. They are, apparently, waiting for the vaccine.

Or were.

Now that the vaccine is on the horizon, there’s a new panic sweeping through Saudi and other nations – fear that the vaccine is really an effort to…well you fill in the blanks.

Yep, the rumor mills and text messages are working over time, reminiscent of the Great Sewing Machine Farce of earlier this year.

This time some of the bad information going around is that the vaccination, is really a weapon of depopulation, and rather than protecting a person from contracting the flu, will instead sterilize them, cutting their fertility rate by 80%! Oh my!

Seriously, what kinda wackjobs believe this stuff?

Seth Godin is one of my favorite writers/thinkers. Several years ago he wrote about the way ideas are spread, and I’m pretty sure the same path is how rumors – including ridiculous ones like those about the flu – spread as well.

It all starts with one sick, infected person.

That person sneezes, and infects all the people around.

Pretty soon those infected people start to sneeze.

Some of them – the smart ones – choose not to infect others.

Others go out on the town and start sneezing, infecting everyone they know with the rumor – sometimes intentionally, sometimes ignorantly.

And then those folks start to sneeze, and pretty soon the rumor has gone viral…just like the flu.

Kind of ironic, isn’t it? The whole world is in a tizzy about a flu bug, yet the most viral thing about it are the silly rumors. Rmors which, in many ways, may just have a more lasting effect on us all than the flu itself.

Why do people believe rumors? What’s the benefit of believing a rumor rather than learning the facts? What’s the most ridiculous rumor you’ve heard lately? That you’ve passed along?